Want to know how to kill people? 

In Experiences

Take the December festive season buffet, add loads of lemon chilli zinga wings (or as I like to call them – ‘eat some more’), multiply that with the Namib heat, move to new offices, start your first week of work and there you have it. A man with tight jeans wearing a t-shirt that says ‘this is how I roll’. Now this would be okay if I was Angolan – except I didn’t own a pair of havaianas. (On that thought, why do Angolan guys always wear havaianas that’s too small for them I ‘ve always wondered?) Anyway, this led me to more alcohol. Hunter’s Dry to be specific, cause nothing refreshes you and your china’s down like an ice-cold Hunters dry. I should be a share holder – true story! There’s just something about holiday food and drinks that can be seen long after the holiday is gone.

And I wasn’t the only one. My girlfriend and our Brazilian friend felt the same way – except they had the havaianas. So then we all came up with this wonderful idea. LET’S DETOX!!!! YAH!!! We even got a plan and everything. It’s called Juliette’s 7-Day Detox Plan. This was gonna be great! Flush out the old system, refuel with fresh new goodness and we’ll even burn some calories at the gym. I was distracted by the image of me running down the beach in slowmo……and que Baywatch music.

For the love of humanity, all that is sacred and especially if you’re one of those people who goes to see a psychologist once a week – DO NOT DO THIS!!!!! There’s no YAH!!!! Save yourself. On this deprived program you’ll want, nay, you’ll need to kill. It’s like that Spiderman movie where the spider bites Peter Parker and all of a sardines his spidey senses are heightened. Except replace cool super hero powers with irritation, headaches, fever, chapped lips and all the withdrawal symptoms you can imagine. No my good people, this is not for the faint hearted and those who need their sugar rush.

Allow me to list some of the ONLY’S and some big NO NO’s!

The list of must haves includes all types of fruits and its ‘pure, unsweetened’ juices, all vegetables, only fresh fish, natural yogurt, rice cakes, brown rice, rice noodles, unsalted seeds and nuts, herbal tea and loads of water. Now to the untrained pallet this is a death sentence.

The list of ‘Thy shall not’ included all meat products, no dairy, no butter, all foods that contain wheat or pastry, anything sweet (except honey), no processed foods, sauces and takeaways, no coffee or tea, no salt. What type of person denies another person salt? Juliette. That’s who! This can’t be life. And the nail in the coffin – no alcohol. Before this deprivation of life we were like ripe, rich juicy grapes. Now we’re two sultanas and a raisin.

The worst was smelling fresh brewed coffee in the morning and feeling like a objectophilia (apparently it’s a thing) sniffing the coffee machine vents for its aromas. Another far distant delicacy was butter on bread. Again people, who denies a person buttered bread? Juliette. That’s who!

After 4 and a half days my fellow inmates decided to choose life. And by life I mean they broke their fasting otherwise they would get life imprisonment. A valiant attempt from them as they bowed out to some bread and butter on the table at a local restaurant. Shame. It looked like a scene from a movie, two girls scavenging for some bread. At some point one of them even asked the waitress for more bread, but it sounded like those English street kids with their English accent asking “could you spare us some bread mam, bread please. Could spare some?” The waitress just looked at them thinking ‘shem’ as she shakes her head. Me on the other hand, decided to push through with my rabbit food and walk the green mile. Dead man walking!

I know. You must be thinking, bbbbbut why?? Well, I have to admit that  I’ve seen some tiny slim changes and once I looked beyond the urge to go Kill Bill on some people, I can feel the difference. So I’ll see you Juliette and raise you a glass of water – for now. Seriously, if I learned anything from this Guantanamo Bay experience, it’s that I control my bowel growls and that I can be more conscious of what, when and quantity I eat – plus I didn’t kill anyone – so everyone wins.

It’s DAY 7 today. My cell gate will soon open and a disgruntled voice in my head would walk up and say, “You’re free to go – for now with a sarcastic grin. Now opposite to contrary belief, I have not yet been incarcerated, but I can imagine it would be a similar taste to freedom that’s lingering on my taste buds now. I write to you from this place of desolate that you may learn from my errs so that you may not find your way to this place. This is no place for a human being with good taste.

My long walk to freedom will be rewarded with one cup of coffee per day. I just hope the coffee machine understands that I’m taken. Cheers!

……and que Baywatch music.


 

 Image from DeviantArt

 

2 Comments

  1. This makes for excellent reading, man. Side-splitting, but not anything I’d want to try. Ek how to veel van lekker kos!

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